Sometimes I feel like I’m two different people completely. There is one version of myself (the one I like to think exists the majority of the time), that’s rational. She’s the Jen that is creative, kind to herself, kind to the people she loves, and though she’s flawed like the rest of humanity, she’s in control. When thoughts that aren’t so positive or loving pop into her head, she uses all of these lovely skills she’s learned to acknowledge the feelings and either sit with them, or act in a way that is healthy. Yep, this Jen may not have all of her shit together, but she’s on her way. She’s my fave.
Then is the other version. I’m not going to be unkind to her, but I’ll say this Jen isn’t the most stable. She’s like that glass of water that’s filled to the brim, and you’re not sure WHEN she’ll overflow, but it’s pretty much a guarantee. She can’t distinguish thoughts from actions because the moment she’s filled with a thought that disturbs her, she finds herself trying to cope by turning to harmful behavior. This Jen usually pops up when a few doses of medication are forgotten or right before a period. She’s a combo of PMDD and depression and she just can’t. She just CANNOT handle it.
When I went into the partial program, I kind of assumed that because I was getting treated, I’d eliminate Jen Version 2. Clearly, unrealistic. I will say, however, that at least now I’m able to recognize the difference. The lines between these two versions were so blurred before I got treatment, I didn’t know who the hell I was even supposed to be. Was I faking version 1? Was I destined to be version 2? I didn’t know—I didn’t care. Now, I recognize who I want to be and who I’m capable of being. I also realize version 2, is a part of me too. She’s not necessarily someone I want to like…hang out with all of the time. But, she’s a part of me and I need to be GENTLE with her. When I’ m in that state of mind, it’s so easy for me to just say fuck it and let emotions influence my behaviors. It happened last week. It was the day before I got my period (which was TEN days late) and I was feeling really emotional. I fought with my wife and I was so frustrated. I had thoughts about cutting and I made a decision on whether to let my thoughts turn into action. That time, I made a decision to cut. I did it. I regretted it. But I owned that choice and I owned the repercussions. Before, I would have gone from thoughts to emotions to cutting so fast I’d end up not even knowing how I got there until I was on the bathroom floor bleeding. This time, I was able to stop and think first. While this may not seem like a big victory because it seems like I made the “wrong choice”, it’s a HUGE step forward. Now, I know when I am in that state of mind at least I can recognize it. I can only hope the next time, I use some other skills I’ve learned to help me work on other things I can do to get the release I need in the moment that won’t be self-harming.
One day at a time and all that shit right? J
Happy Monday, muffins!