I have some serious control issues. This is no shocking revelation to me. I’ve been pyscho analyzed on the subject multiple times by multiple therapists and basically it boils down to a reasons.
- Childhood Experiences: I can’t say I grew up in a calm household. My father was an alcoholic and an addict, and although he was sober for a good portion of my life, there were a few instances where he “fell off the wagon” in the worst way. My mom and he fought when that happened and it was scary, yes. When he passed away unexpectedly from a non-drug related heart attack, I was devastated and since then had been obsessed with making sure everything in my life I could control I would.
- Need for Perfection: I’ve talked about this many times before. I am constantly striving for perfection, even if I don’t know what perfection is. I hate asking for help on things like a project, because I am fearful it won’t get done the way I want it. Shit….I even remake the bed after my wife makes it because it’s not perfect. I HAVE to have control of it. If my house is messy, if something is out of place—it makes me crazy.
Aside from those two reasons, I think a lot of the control stuff (specifically with my environment), has to do with the chaos that is inside of my head. I feel like if my brain was an actual room, it would be like one of those hoarding houses with papers stacked to the ceiling and twenty seven cats hiding amongst the debris. Sometimes my head is just so fucking cluttered that I feel like if my outward space is calm, orderly and peaceful—maybe it will help my brain clear out some of the shit too. (Sorry for the cursing today—PMDD is full force, but that’s another issue.)
Having some jurisdiction over certain aspects of my life is okay-- but how do I learn to be okay with letting go some of the control? How can I learn to sit and let myself relax if there are dishes in the sink or if someone wants to help me with something?
I haven’t necessarily found the answer to those questions yet, but I’m trying to recognize that not everything needs to be perfect. That sometimes it’s okay to let someone else take the reins instead of always need to be the one steering. Every day, a little more each day, I am trying to find that balance I so desperately know I need. A little at a time. That’s all we can do, my loves. I hope you all have a beautiful week!